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2014 Troll Mock Draft

April 23, 2014

Troll

Ah, it’s that time of year — a couple weeks before the draft, and every asshole on the Internet is doing their “mock draft” because, quite clearly, THE WORLD AWAITS the opinion of a 23 yr old “expert blogger” who lives with his parents.

But let’s be honest.  Every NFL team has been lying like Bill Clinton in a deposition for several weeks now, and NOBODY, even the most “experty” of experts, really has any clue what these teams will do on May 8.

So I say, screw it, let’s have some fun.  Here is the 2014 edition of the Troll Mock Draft:


1) HOU: Sammy Watkins, WR, Clemson.

If you liked Sammy catching screen passes from Tajh Boyd, you will LOVE Sammy catching screen passes from Ryan Fitzpatrick or Case Keenum.  Casein Keenpatrick. That rough & tumble AFC South won’t have any idea what hit ’em!

2) WAS: Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M (pick traded by STL for Washington’s 2nd round pick & 2 future 1st rounders)

Oh yeah, you read that right.  The Rams will trade this pick, acquired in the RGIII deal, BACK to the Redskins, and they’ll double down.  You think the 6’2″ RGIII will get killed in the NFL?  Wait til you get a load of the 5’9″ Johnny Football.  WHITE LIGHTNING!

3) JAX: Greg Robinson, OT, Auburn

Okay, I know what you’re thinking.  “But the Jags just picked a left tackle #2 overall last year!”  Look, the Jags have learned their lesson.  Build slowly & safely.  Don’t take risks like drafting a quarterback.  Luke Joeckel will turn 23 midseason.  Don’t you think it’s time to plan for the future?  Also, WAR EAGLE.

4) CLE: Jadeveon Clowney, DE, South Carolina

I know, I know.  The QBs on the Browns roster are Brian Hoyer & Alex Tanney.  Whereas they are loaded on D.  But look, the whole “offense” thing just isn’t working on Lake Erie.  As the Hindus say, better to do your dharma poorly, than try to do someone else’s well.  Just punt on 1st down & put that D back on the field.

5) OAK: Khalil Mack, LB, Buffalo

Best player available.  And for Oakland, that IS trolling.

6) ATL: Mike Evans, WR, Texas A&M

Okay, so they already have Roddy White & Julio Jones.  But c’mon.  Roddy looks like he plays in the WNBA & Julio went to Bama which means his knee cartilage looks like a used cotton ball.  MATTY ICE NEEDS TARGETS.  These are the anti-Browns.  Forget the D — just sling it!

7) TB: Derek Carr, QB, Fresno State

We all know what Lovie knows best:  Defense.  And 2nd best, he knows bad QBs.  Carr is probably no better than the 4th best QB on the board, but look, any time you have the chance to draft David Carr’s little brother, who played crap competition & looked like a scared toddler vs the 1 decent D he faced:  YOU HAVE TO DO IT.

8) MIN: Blake Bortles, QB, UCF

Remember way back when (3 years ago) when the Vikings overdrafted a developmental QB from the state of Florida?  Rick Spielman knows:  if at first you don’t succeed, TRY TRY AGAIN.

9) BUF: Teddy Bridgewater, QB, Louisville

OMG, a guy once thought to be the best QB on the board is still available at #9?  He’s accurate, but lacks the type of outward leadership qualities you want in a QB.  But wait, the Bills have EJ Manuel, who has those qualities, but can’t hit the broad side of a barn with the football.  The plan is simple.  Donald Trump buys the team and they use that contraption from “The Fly” to fuse Bridgewater & Manuel into one awesomely mediocre QB.  WILD CARD ROUND, HERE WE COME.

10) DET: Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford

If you’ve read reports in the last couple weeks, the Lions are hosting guys they have NO PRAYER of drafting, unless they traded away their next 5 first round picks.  So why the hell not – go for the youngest franchise QB in the league.

11) TEN: Jake Matthews, OT, Texas A&M

Since Jake Locker can’t seem to stay upright, why not try drafting a guy to protect him also named “Jake.”  Sounds like a plan.

12) NYG: Taylor Lewan, OT, Michigan

I can’t even troll the Giants, given how dumpster fire-like their OL was last year.  Plus, Lewan was arrested for allegedly beating up some Ohio State fans.  Done & done.

13) WAS: Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, S, Alabama (pick traded by STL for Washington’s 3rd round pick & 2 more future 1st rounders)

You didn’t think the Rams were actually going to use this pick, did you?  After this finagling, they will have 2 picks in both the 2nd & 3rd round, plus every Redskins first rounder until the end of Hillary Clinton’s 2nd term.  And obviously Washington selects a defensive back from a program which has produced such recent luminaries such as Dre Kirkpatrick, Rolando McClain, and Trent Richardson.  But hey, that’s still probably an upgrade over the Redskins’ current DBs.

14) CHI: Anthony Barr, LB, UCLA

Ever since 2008 or so, when Brian Urlacher stopped being able to move laterally faster than Steven Hawking, the Bears have been looking for a successor.  And here he is… a guy who will be as effective in shedding NFL blocks as Kirstie Alley covered in velcro.

15) PIT: Aaron Donald, DT, Pittsburgh

If your team is full of aging players on the decline, and you have no prayer of competing for a title in the next few years, the answer is clear:  go for the local kid whose game tape was ho-hum but KILLED THE SENIOR BOWL.

16) DAL: CJ Mosley, LB, Alabama (pick phoned in by Nick Saban)

Saban figures why wait til he actually takes the Dallas job in 2015?  Go ahead & start building a team now.  And after all, Sean Lee is as good at staying upright as Stevie Wonder on a surfboard.

17) BAL: Odell Beckham Jr., WR, LSU

Seems obvious.  Steve Smith needs a teammate to beat up, and a kid who played for Les Miles seems like a pretty good choice.

18) NYJ: Justin Gilbert, CB, Oklahoma State

Take 2 for “let’s try to replace Revis.”  Dee Milliner, like most Bama players once they leave the dark domain of Saban, isn’t going to get it done.  In comes a guy from a conference that plays no defense whatsoever.  SUCCESS!

19) MIA: Zack Martin, OL, Notre Dame

“God dammit, we’re going to prove to everyone we can hold on to a lineman whose last name is Martin.”

20) ARI: Timmy Jernigan, DT, Florida State

Cornering the market on big-mouthed D-linemen from F$U.  Why not?

21) GB: Brandin Cooks, WR, Oregon State

At 5’10”, 185, Cooks fits perfectly into the average pant leg of women in Wisconsin.  As long as he can find clothing stores that carry non-behemoth sizes, he should do quite well in Green Bay.

22) PHI: Marqise Lee, WR, USC

Who the hell needs defense?  CHIP KELLY’S SYSTEM WILL PUT UP 47 POINTS A GAME, BRO, WITH OR WITHOUT DESEAN JACKSON.  And now they add Lee, to go with Matt Barkley, who is sure to get playing time when Nick Foles is trampled trying to hit the pitchman in the wishbone.

23) KC: Eric Ebron, TE, UNC

I know it’s tough to believe they might be able to improve upon Anthony Fasano at the TE position, but hey, don’t question Andy Reid’s genius!

24) CIN: AJ McCarron, QB, Alabama

Look.  One thing isn’t debatable.  The only way to up the ante over a mediocre ginger quarterback is to draft a mediocre quarterback with a chest tattoo that says “Bama Boy.”

25) SD: Darqueze Dennard, CB, Michigan State

The Bolts are ecstatic to get a guy who had to shut down all those elite Big 10 WRs.

26) CLE: Cyrus Kouandjio, OT, Alabama

Having had such good luck with highly-rated prospects out of Alabama, the Browns to back to the well.  Who cares if he had a couple botched knee surgeries?!  What could go wrong?

27) NO: Zach Mettenberger, QB, LSU

Look, I know Brees will only be 36 this year, so he clearly has at least 12 good years left, but it’s never too early to start thinking about the future.  Mettenberger played right down the street in Baton Rouge & once his knee heals, he could be a pretty good prospect.  Plus, he played for an egomaniac in college & should adjust nicely to Sean Payton.

28) CAR: [FORFEIT]

In an effort to cut salary so they can pay their “elite” QB with a career passer rating of 84, the Panthers punt on their first round pick.  Plus, who needs rookies?  They have SUPER CAM!

29) NE: Louis Nix III, DT, Notre Dame

Just seems too obvious, doesn’t it?  Vince Wilfork is 57 years old and they will need some youth behind him.  Plus, as a bonus, Nix is accustomed to dumb white people rooting for him.  Great fit.

30) SF: Kony Ealy, DE, Missouri

What’s that you say?  They drafted another DE out of Missouri just 3 years ago who recently was arrested at an airport for claiming he had a bomb?  Harbaugh will call up Gary Pinkel & REALLY let him have it, and in return get inside info that Ealy is the best straight player on the Mizzou DL.  Game, set, match.

31) DEN: Somebody, some position, some college

Seriously.  Does it matter?  BEST CASE: Peyton stays healthy & chokes in the playoffs again.  WORST CASE: the Brock Osweiler era begins!

32) SEA: Austin Seferian-Jenkins, TE, Washington

It’s just too obvious.  He has “Seattle” written all over him.  Kiper will say they overdrafted him, and then he’ll catch 80 balls for 1,500 yards next year.  Just because.

 

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